Hiding behind the Tree

I was a kid who had anger issues. When something went wrong I used to storm away from my parents and just close the door behind me rashly so that I can be away from all of them and not deal with the situation. Without even realizing I used to do that even when I was the one who was wrong and was confronted on it.  Instead of dealing with it I used to run away from dealing with all my emotions.

This behavior of mine continued into my adult years, not the part about closing the door behind me but to close my heart and go away from everything when in pain.

It stuck with me even after I started believing in Christ and decided to give my life for him. When ever I fell into sin and disobeyed God I ran away from him. So whenever I disobeyed God or was not strong enough to overcome my temptations I fell into this cycle where I was moving away from Jesus. I used to feel that I was not worthy to be with Jesus.

One day as I was getting ready to go to church, in my own confusing thoughts I heard God speaking to me through the story of Adam and Eve… He showed me how Adam and Eve sinned and hid behind the tree.

I was shocked at how it resembles what I was trying to do. I could see myself going behind the tree (door) and closing my heart whenever I disobeyed God. 

(Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” (Genesis 8-9))

It was not that God did not know where they were hiding but he is calling out to them to come from behind the tree(sin) and repent so that he could talk with them. Even today he is continuing to do so. Trying to get us from behind the trees and into his presence so that we can be forgiven through his grace and blood. 

How foolish was I to run away from him every time I fell into sin. Like the temple that had so many veils from God to man. I realized I can only meet him again when I ask(repent) him and he tears down the door for us.

(At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. (Matthew 27:51))

It taught me an important lesson to be remembered for life. When we fall down because of our iniquities let us get up and go to God and repent our sins and turn away from them instead of being in guilt. So every time I do something I am not supposed to, instead of running away from a God, I now run towards God and ask for forgiveness and the strength to not do it again. Realizing that only through his blood that the power of sin is broken forever in our lives.

(So you also should consider yourselves to be dead to the power of sin and alive to God through Christ Jesus. (Romans 6:11))

I started this blog as a way to share my journey, my everyday life, how inadequate I am and how God is sculpting me. But when I look at the first few posts I have written I see a short sermon or a class on the bible. That was not my intention when I first started this blog. I wanted to give you an insight into my own mind hoping you people who felt the same way could find solutions to their struggles in Christ as I am learning to everyday.

So let me start with why I was not able to post anything for the past one month or more. It was not that I did now have any good posts or I was so busy to post anything. To tell you the truth I was filled with fear. So much fear that it paralyzed me in posting anything. I was filled with so many self doubts and questions which were eating me up. It was like me hesitating to go into a pool to learn to swim (which I would like to do so much) because the water is a cold. I know that I will be fine once I take the plunge and get completely in the water but my brain is trying to think of so many things that could go wrong that I don’t find the courage to go in there. Instead I try to go into the laboratory like a scientist trying to figure out why I was not able to when the answer was right in front of my face. “FACE” –> “FEAR”.

So today instead of thinking of all the things that could go wrong if I post I am going to take the plunge and just jump in the water.

Hope this will help me realize and remind me when I forget that first and foremost this blog is a means to find myself rather than to teach others something.

So let me leave you with a small verse from the bible which might or might not be associated with what I just told you. 🙂

 “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” (2 Timothy 1:7)